worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
