Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
