I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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