Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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