Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
