True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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