Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
