her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
