I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
bring money and cleavage
She told me I should be a condom model.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
