Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
