Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
