I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We are all done wearing pants today
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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