I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
