I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
