Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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