I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
