Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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