Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
