U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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