You can't special order awesome
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
