i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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