he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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