Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
