I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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