I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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