i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
