My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
