I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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