Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
