Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
