WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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