Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
