Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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