when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
