You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
