I think my vagina is haunted
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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