so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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