I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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