he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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