one two three fourrrrnication!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
