why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
