hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
