Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
