it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
