I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Randomize
