But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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