Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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