Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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