I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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