I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
