I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
