i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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