i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
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It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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