I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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