If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Sorry about my life...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
