i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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